Houston’s staff ERA (6.50) is so bloated even the Rockies—yes, the Coors Field Rockies—can play condescending big sibling with their tidy 4.27. Add in a missing Josh Hader and a trainer’s room that looks like a Black Friday stampede, and the Astros will trot out Daikin Park at 8:10 PM ET trying to remember which end of the baseball the stitches are on.
Colorado’s bats nap at .237, but against this Houston pitching pillow fight they might wake up cranky; meanwhile the Astros’ .272 average is basically a participation trophy until someone records an out that isn’t followed by a surrender cobra. Grab your MLB.TV remote and your StreakChat pick—somebody has to win, and the suspense is half the comedy.